The Cooterific: Hi Gingervitis, You have no idea how many times I've wanted to write you this letter GINGERVITIS. Granted, you got the better of me in February, you ginger daywalker fucking asshole, none, because Jenna never likes telling the whole truth about much of anything really, nor ever admitting she is wrong about anything as well? But, you can have that fucking lowlife bitch, which is what she is really by the way, not that your dumb ass knows any better. I've known her for years and years so I can attest to that, I promise you GINGER ALE, she will sell you out at some point if it's in her interest! Good jesture, letting her move into your mansion in bumfuck NC nowhere! Granted though, (if I ever see your dumb yuppie big boned poser ass at Poe's or King Street or anywhere alse in Chucktown for that matter I will kick the living shit out of your husky pirate shirt endangered species coat/shoe wearing ass!) And I will tell PETA as well! Jenna used to be a member by the way. As I said before, you made out with my special fucking lady friend in February after the awesome Eddie Money concert behind my back with your douchebag gay yuppie friends (was Rick Springfield not available?) yet I made out with yours (behind your back) in late August at Boca and Revolutions, want photographic evidence? I have it GINGERVITIS, if you want to see it, and just ask her friends if you don't believe me gingerfucktard. Certain people saw it all, along with me hangin' out/making out and taking care of her for the next three days after that, did Jenna mention that to you, no? Doubtful, there urban ginger cowboy? Isn't honesty the foundation of a real relationship I hear? God you're so impressive, with your plethora of free vacations, African safari vehicles, how to win friends and influence people crap novels, overpriced real estate and bullshit lies and lives. God, you're so American! You and Jenna Alene Rush both, both posers and living fake bullshit lives, and we both know it. She had never been on a plane in her life nor given a decent blowjob before she met me, this is the truth of the matter. I feel sorry for her, how she ended up, having to sell out for security, having to be with you, not for actual love or happiness. Do you really think she could love someone with no neck, 7 chins and someone who looks 56 years old GINGERVITIS? Yeah, I didn't think so motherfucker! You're now the both butt end of a long-running joke. The prototypical old fat man with money meets young girl with big fake tits and low self esteem. How Ironic Gingervitis! Good luck on a very honest, long and fruitful relationship! HA!

The Gingervitis: As much as I want to fly off the handle and fire back, I gotta give you props for the email. It's funny as shit! I would love to take the time to analysis your life of how you grew up in a trailer park, got zero ass growing up, decided to bleach your hair blonde and got some tattoos, so I could fit in somewhere life, but I don't have time. Save the drama and long emails for Jenna. The night I met her she never said she had a boyfriend. A week or two into things she said that you two were friends with benefits and that was it (didn't sound like a bad deal to me). If you want to be a little bitch and send emails at 3am, send them to Jenna. And yes, Jenna did mention making out with you back in Aug. It happens… She said it was nothing "big"… I'm sure she downplayed it, but what am I going to do?? Send you an email at 3am saying I'm pissed off at the world? And before you brag about teaching a girl how to give a blowjob, make sure they are better than average. If you have any other girls that are trying to give pointers too, please stop now. You aren't making the world a better place. But since your are sending emails at 3am, you must just be banging all kinds of hot ass and just decided to take a breather. I would love to see the pic, so send it to brad@wptrealestate.com . I'm not on facebook every 5 minutes like yourself, so I want get it otherwise. Speaking of FB, sweet flower pic. Is it one of your tattoos with some bullshit meaning? Don't forget to T Vo "Inked," well in your case, just set the VCR

The Cooterific: Rad, life is just peachy when I can wake up and get "gingerprops!" Yeah yeah Bradley, you can insert generic tattoo/bad boy/white trash comments and insults and I can insert generic fat/yuppie/elitist comments and insults. You're right though, the e-mail was pretty hilarious after I read it again earlier. I was obviously really drunk and making lots of grammatical errors, especially "ungood" for an author and college graduate. I lived in a "gated community" trailor park Bradley, perhaps you sold it to my grandparents, you look around the same age. I'm too hungover to argue, insult or care right now Bradley...how about tomorrow? I would love for you to put down the Bartles and James wine cooler one night and take the time to profile my life, or an "analysis your life" as you put it. Granted, I am from Georgia and shit, but I do believe you have to analyze before you have an analysis. Yeah, they don't teach that in two week real estate license school do they? I hope you're better at that than you are at trivia at Dagwoods. I admit I was curious about you though, so I'm actually glad I got really shitfaced and pissed last night and sent you a message. Though, I don't care about you at all, nor am I even all that angry at you. I'm pissed and upset over Jenna. You know the feeling Bradley, I heard your breakdown over me cost me that goddamn birthday present bracelet she was gonna get me, and I ended up not getting anything damn it! Thanks Bradley! You two can have each other and in fact you probably deserve each other. She's bad news and I'm done with her and I don't really ever want to speak to her again frankly. Bradley...the "ed hardy" rule applies to reality shows about tattoos. As in, only people with little or no tattoos buy or watch that bullshit. I'm out of blank tapes anyways Bradley, buy me a Delorian so I can get some more and record "the facts of life." Its been in the works for months, but I'm actually going as you for Halloween, well a "gingerpire" technically. I'm getting a very plump black girl to be Jenna as well. Don't ever say I didn't do anything nice for you, you will never be confused with anyone young, in shape and good looking again...oh gingersnap...sorry, I couldn't help myself there Bradley. This has been fascinating, take it easy.

The Gingervitis: Mr. "Badboy" aka philospher. So many threats and promises last night.

The Cooterific: You left out an "o" in philosopher. I may/may not be one, but I can at least spell it. Yeah, well I said a fat girl was hot last night as well, half the shit I say when I'm drunk is bullshit Bradley, I'll let you decide which half that is. Granted, I didn't really help that she told you, damn her for being so honest! It sort of ruined me telling you both off last night, oh well nothing is perfect. Though, I did mean that I hope PETA finds you wearing that hideous coat and leather shoes one day, they may be laughing so hard they can't throw red acrylic paint on you though. I don't want you thinking I'm entirely full of shit, so no big deal, I'll send you one of the cute ones and also the cover of a little novella I made for Jenna. My bad for the delay Bradley I was in one of my paramedic classes, add life saver to that white trash/badboy/philospher stereotype.

The Gingervitis: Mr. F7 - you even correct spelling! You are growing on me by the minute. should I spell check and capitalize all my sentences or is email not meant to be informal??? I guess not, Mr. Robert Frost. So after your first email, you hit me with a second one saying you are full of shit, made stuff up, etc... and send my some gay pic of you two hugging??? If you are going to throw some shit out there, " i took care of her for a few days," send me a decent pic to say you pulled some ass. if you don't have any decent pics, just go back to trying to be best friends forever...such as sad story. Is this your 3rd or 4th girl you have gone down this route with? Seriously, you got zero ass in high school. You tried to be best friends with a few girls; with the ultimate plan to try some score some ass and it always back fires. How many times has your 8th grade plan fail? FYI - if you want to bang some ass, step up and say it! don't write a novel or bitch? Weak (not week, your previous email, Mr. Frost) people come in last and always have (yep time to get another tat and bs excuse about life) stop livening pay check to pay check. if you want to make judgments about people that make money, go make some first. Once you do that, I'm all ears... The person who can go make a million, see all the bullshit and live the simple life gets it. The douche that bitches about money, never made it, could never make it and loves to make excusess, needs to sit on the back of the bus and keep bitching. If you actually want to go give it a shot, I have a great idea. you need to make a t-shirt; your picture and "Welcome to Myrtle Beach." Dude, you would crush it!!! I will even front the cash! This could be huge! Dude, you own that town... You're a fucking rock star. I need to stop talking shit; the owner of Boca and Revolutions might be upset. Seriously dude, your life is Broadway at the beach... Jesus, Myrtle is you and you are Myrtle. Enough said...Please send me a copy of your book so I can laugh my ass off. Actually, I will make a courtesy purchase. Answers to questions: 1) the bracelet - she said she was going to get you a b-day present. In some form or fashion my response was, " I've know douche bags like this since middle school. He is trying to be your BFF, but all he wants to do is bang (props, which you did). He will eventually snap and freak out... You banged, you snapped, you freaked out (one point goes to the advice of the old guy). Seriously, step it up, no more middle school. Go Bang some ass; stop trying to be best friends with everyone and being a fag. Go get some ass, your sweet tats and my old ass would love it. 2) Dagwood's - when you go play trivia next week, please get this question correct: "Who is banging a nurse with HUGE fake tits named Jenna?" yes, the answer is "B" for Bradley and not "D" for Douche Bag. maybe it's even "G" for GINGERVITIS. regardless, it's NOT YOU! If that doesn't sum it up, I don't know what does. Unless Mr. Frost wants to send a pic that has something besides a kiss on the cheek and a gay drunk apology go find another BFF and bother them.

The Cooterific: Yes, Gingerbread correct punctuation and linguistic mastery would impress me very much. I was an English minor, so yeah I'm nerd retentive about it. Damn, you got me really good there verbal stun-gun. Were you doing a black girl who works the counter at Bojangles head bob and weave while you were typing? Ha, man you are so delusional and narcicistic it's hilarious. Stop it, all my stereotypes of you keep being fulfilled. It's so easy to push your buttons there G-snap. Want to know why? Because you're so fucking normal and average and boring that it's pathetic. I never said I "banged" Jenna that night nor did I say I had any raunchy pics of us. And even if I did, I wouldn't betray her trust and show them to your dumb ass if they did exist. I don't think you could take it anyways, a kiss seemed to bother you just fine, which is all I wanted. I told you it was a cute picture though, you can't say I was lying. She was right, you are really threatened by me! You're really fixated on this banging ass in high school shit as well. Did you had a problem and never dealt properly with it there Bradley? Did some lowlife piece of white trash beat you up and call you pudgy on a daily basis or did the egotistical god of cool himself get rejected by someone? Perhaps less money on poofy pirate shirts and more money on therapy would be a wise decision for you to get beyond your obvious rehashed and fathomed glory years of high school. You need to retake basic psychology and hell, sociology as well while you're at it, you can't read people or environments very well. You must have inherited that money, you're not selling or closing me at all here and I'm fuckin' dissapointed! Calling me a douchebag or white trash is like telling me I'm awesome and it doesn't offend me. Try again, no soup for you! Gay? You still say that? You're showing your age there Bradley, at least call me a faggot, though I prefer nigger or wetback actually. Ha, I love your motivational rantings, I was almost inspired. Did you pick those up from a Tony Robbins late night infommercial or was it with Kari at one of those "how to sell a ketchup popsicle to lady wearing white gloves" conventions they hold at Holiday Inns' around the country? Perhaps my inept yuppie poser radar went off for a valid reason. MB is me...I like that, so clever there G-snap, almost as witty as your Googled and stolen pick-up lines for the "hot ass" as well! Actually Jenna is the first I have ever given a shit about, of course fucking her for two years and then her running off with a total stranger fat ginger used car salesman would hurt anyone decent and make them freak out, is there anything worse than that previous scenerio? Just always remember deep in your cerebral cortex that you had my white trash trailer park sloppy seconds and you will always know what my dick tastes like, hell, that practically makes us family. I wasn't trying to be her friend you idiot, I'm trying to steal her back from you, the just friend thing was the only option she gave me after she got infested by a horrible case of gingervitis. I got her some wintergreen Scope, but it didn't work! Should have mixed it with holy H20, that's where I fucked up and it went wrong! I'd rather be MB trash than a Charleston hipster toolbag any day of the week, but that's just me. Even though I've been to every state in America and traveled a fair portion of the world...you're right, nothing fits just like MB! Boca...hahahaha...I loathe dance clubs in general Bradley, I only went there once with your girlfriend, but gosh I do love a good Color Me Badd song. You don't know much about punk rock or tattooed people do you? You can't say shit, you still dress up like Kid Rock and the expiration date on that was 6 years ago, perhaps you got a little Conway trailer trash in you, even though you might not want to admit it? I have no idea about the bracelet, other than what she told me. She said you got all upset and stormed off in some market. Well, I don't blame you. You spend all that money and fly her ass out to Joseph Smith land and she sits around whining and being miserable for days over little old me fucking a girl she's been very jealous of for years, yes, another hot RN with big fake cans BTW. Also, ironically the girl who sat behind you at Dagwoods and told me that JAR was making out with her dad, yes, small world indeed. What the fuck, why didn't you take her somewhere interesting like Arches National Park or Moab or one of the other 6 National Parks within Utah. Park City? Fucking pretentious yuppie boring shithole, see a running theme here with you Sundancesnap? What's next Aspen and Tahoe and see nothing interesting again? Yes, unlike you I do love and care about Jenna. Call it special BFF or whatever, she is too interesting, original and decent to be with someone like yourself. I never said she was an astrophysicist or anything, she's somewhat of a follower and obviously blinded by your lifestyle and money and will eventually see what you really are inside and what you represent. I'm not hating or picking on you because you're rich, I just don't like you and I think you lack real substance or intelligence. Again, boring and security...not love or happiness. I'm glad you have money and all the materialistic ego that goes with it as well. I know it's hard for your ostrich sized brain to comprehend a different opinion than yours, and that not everyone is bitching about being poor or jealous of you or lazy and apathetic. I'm happy as shit being poor and noble, I just want your girl not your cash. Money, might mean that I would be like you, and that would make me want to stab myself in the carotid artery and end my shit. I don't need the paranoia or trust issues knowing that people in general and especially women only hang out with you because you have money, we both know that is the real truth, it sure as fuck isn't because your a fucking model or have some original or interesting personality. I'm perfectly fine and happy being me, a simple artist/writer/EMT Bradley. At least if someone hangs out with me it's because they're insane or they genuinely like me, not because of what I can give them or what they can get out of me. Ha, Robert Frost...exactly...I'm surprised you could name a poet that doesn't have a restaurant named after him/her. Frost is pretty fucking shitty and golden age boring, but great if you're a dew fanatic. But do yourself a favor and check out Bukowski or Burroughs, so the next time you can name 3 writers and really impress indy nerdy intellectual people, not that you know many other than I. They write a lot of poems and stories about being fat pathetic drunks, you could relate to that I'm sure, I can as well, minus the fat part. I advocate stealing my book since I'm an anti-capitalist. I don't see you doing that so just borrow a copy of the book from Jenna. Lets keep it going! Two grown men swapping stories and insults on Facebook, yeah...that's pretty lame I admit. But, I'm an asshole and I gotta have the last word, so it must be done!

The Gingervitis: There you go again, giving us some precious time in between BJ classes. God i can't imagine the size of the swamp donkey you just pushed out of bed. Did you give her a copy of your book and suggest some poets for her too? Hopefully she is another project you can work on and to convenience to get some smoking tats too. Maybe one of those armbands from 10 years ago? Please tell me you have one of these or did you miss that stage and just go with the symbols about "strength" and other bullshit? Your philosophy on life is to live simple and not make judgments on others, yet all you do is make assumptions about me. In between all of your puts downs and suggestions to me, you constantly contradict yourself. Is your system failing? You say Jenna is the first girl you have ever cared about and you wouldn't betray her trust. But the "Noble" one contacts me and send pics of Jenna?? read your emails again and look how many times you have contradicted yourself about how you live life, what type of person you are, etc...Say all your shit about money, they people that have never made anyone always do. the great part about all of this is that I wasn't handed a silver spoon. i paid my through college and then moved in with my 85 year grandmother, on a farm, in the middle of no where. I made 5k the first year I was in real estate and 15k the second year. I stuck with it and have earned every dime I have ever made. God, I love telling you that, because it shows all the "no assuming one's" assumptions were wrong. So, Mr. RN aka Brett "Faulker" you worst nightmare has happened...

The Cooterific: The poofy pirate shirt guy ends up the girl and the girl of your dreams will never trust you again. i guess you did get one last kiss in, but everyone deserves one for a good effort. I'm assuming if the next girl you stalk is police officer you call her your BFF and join the force too? Go get them TJ Hooker.

The Gingervitis: Yes, last kiss. Man that has to be a tough one to swallow, but your right, me having your seconds is nothing to brag about. I thought about our little exchanges we have had over facebook and i bet tons of people are doing the same thing and could share similar stories. I just purchasedwww.bustedonfacebook.com for $20. People can post pic, stories, etc... of how they got in trouble or the exchanges between each other. How funny would that be? My friends would die laughing over our exchanges and probably even love your comments more than mine. Who wouldn't love reading this shit? I'm going to put the pic of you and jenna on there and all of our emails, so "I'm not only the president, but i'm a client," will help me promote it. I'll get so many people to join it and send in stories and ultimately sell it for about 100k...Yes RN, I not only get the girl, but now I'm going to make money because of you... I think your worst scenario just went up a notch. Then I will use the cash to buy Jenna a ring...
Thanks Buddy!

The Cooterific: Yes, it's very true, you finally got me, my worst fear is you...hahahahahaha. Granted, I am very scared of gingers, but I'm no more scared of you than I am of say Carrot Top or Ron Howard. I know how to kill your kind Gingerbread, I got stakes sharpened and ready to go! You seriously are the most arrogant and cocky person I've run across in a while. Wait, gingers have friends? Now, stop lying Bradley goddamn it. Just like you got laid so much in high school right? Ha, you're so full of shit it's coming out your fat red neck! Like being fat and being a ginger would attract really hot high school girls? What high school did you go to exactly? Gingerland High, where it's the only place fat gingers are cool and get laid and are allowed in the lunchroom? Let me guess, it's right next to Candyland High? So your tag line for this site is something stolen from a hair plug clinic? Nice, and about as original as I thought you could muster! I'm glad you sold Mary Kay or Avon and brought yourself up the hard way, you will show the world, if you just believe in yourself Bradley...remember what Tony Robbins told you. You on a farm? No wonder there was a food shortage in Rwanda that year. So your other revenge is marrying Jenna? Ha, ok go ahead, can she fit in your coffin? You must have had an extra extra large coffin made to fit you and whatever other poor soul has ever had to sleep with you in there. Don't confuse the ring for food though, blood diamonds aren't edible! I didn't really want to get married G-snap, I just don't want anyone I know fucking an incompetent husky ginger with no soul, hell that's just being decent of me really. Perhaps, you should get a portrait of Ron Howard tattooed on your flabby arm somewhere, that would be pretty rad I gotta admit. He is your official ginger underground network leader is he not? Jenna's tramp stamp says strength, I don't need any motivational tattooes written in languages I don't speak Bradley. I think you are trying to refer to tribal arm bands? No I don't have any of those, only meatheads like yourself would actually think that was something sweet. Yes, they were cool around ten years ago, around the same time you last combed that hair helmet of yours. I do have a portrait of the Unabomber eating a hairy taco though! Jesus Christ on a stick Gingervitis, you cannot complete like 68% of your thoughts or sentences. Re-read that cop bit, you were so excited thinking that you finally had something witty to insult me with that you rushed it and ruined it! Did you really reference TJ Hooker? Did you and grandma watch that down on the farm together right after Hee Haw and Matlock came on? Oh wait, I'm sure you were out banging hot chicks all night right because you're so cool and you think you're so hip and all? I think your night went more Hee Haw with grandma then jerking off in your room to the John Deer calendar after she went to bed, which is fine, just admit it you fucking professional liar. Freudian slip there Gingervitis? See, I knew there was something behind all the class references, so in acutality you are the real redneck farmer trash who thinks making it all the way to the bright lights and big city of say Charlotte was some major feet worthy of Illiad type tales. And so no one confuses you again with being a hayseed loser or a low class hillbilly, you put on this elitist yuppie front that only really inept people wouldn't see right through. That's where this obsession with money and your narcicism and massive ego comes from, you're ashamed of who you really are and where you really come from. Do you still try and hide that southern farmer accent you probably have and your knowledge about tractor repair as well? Living a life of gluttony and robbing J.Crew at gunpoint and eating too much food at Ruth Chris doesn't mask anything Gingerneck, you're still white trash and redneck on the inside.

The Cooterific: Ok, I got home and there's no new brilliant linguistic retort from you. I'm bored of you now. The last word shall be? Kutabare